Harry Potter and the Cursed Child was released in readable format last weekend. I, personally, have not read it yet, but I did read this plot synopsis from The Daily Beast that I hope, pray, is inaccurate.
This play is the newest installment of the Harry Potter canon somehow (even though it is not written by Rowling herself) (???????????). Don’t get me wrong, I love Harry Potter. My issues with this play come from the fact that it is canon, yet reads like a bad fanfiction. The plot A) makes no sense B) uses time travel in a way that does not work in the established universe of the books and C) has Harry say to his son that sometimes he wishes he weren’t his son. Harry Potter? The orphan? Who always wished he had a family? Say? To his son? I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even–whatever.
As further evidence that we should let sleeping dogs LIE, I have complied a list of fan fiction from the glory days of ff.net that I believe are more likely to happen in the next Harry Potter sequel and why I think so. Shoutout to Ashley for helping me with this. Warning: most of these are NSFW
1) Dobby and his sock fall in love
Best Line: In this case, and forever, [Dobby’s] world would be that one lucky sock
Why????: The sock is named Clarence
2) Hermione and the Sorting Hat become lovers
Best Line: The sorting hat leaned closer. “I never forgot how good it felt to sit on your head your first year.”
Why????: Hermione loves rules and tradition
3) Hagrid and Hedwig fall in love
Best Line: “HOOOOO!” Hedwig shouted again, eyes filled with lust and urgency.
Why????: Bc damn Hedwig gets around
4) Ron and Hedwig fall in Love
Best Line: Ron slid his tongue down her tender body, licking her soft feathers with passion. She tasted of dead rodents.
Why????: Ron let a rat sleep in bed with him.
5) A Twilight crossover where not only Edward and Harry, but also Jacob and Draco fall in love
Best Line: If looks could kill I’d be having a tea part with my mother right now…
Why????: 2008 was a magical time
6) Snape apparates to the Hundred Acre Woods and befriends Eeyore.
Best Line: Severus wondered who this Christopher Robin was, and how he got to be so omniscient. He imagined a Dumbledore-ish sort of character, and shuddered.
Why it’s on the list: Because honestly this makes more sense than Harry coming back to life in Deathly Hallows
7) Harry has a fling with the giant spider
Best Line: “Who was supposed to be in my place?” Harry could help asking curiously./”I only know him as a large male with lots of hair and the scent of many creatures.”
Why????: it’s rated explicit for underage slash if you squint
8) Hogwarts (as in the school itself) and the Giant Squid in the black lake have sex.
Best Line: [The Squid] began to caress a window, teasing it open. Hogwarts sighed, the fight leaving him.
Why????: They’re lovers across the hall. It’s a total Monica and Chandler situation.
9) Harry has sex with Firenze, Peeves, the Sorting Hat, the Giant Squid, and the Flying Ford Anglia
Best Line: “Oh yes harry potter yes I love you drive me harder” –Flying Ford Anglia
Why????: Why the f not
And my personal favorite:
10) Harry has to destroy Voldemort’s “Whorecruxes” by fucking them so hard he fucks Voldemort’s soul clean out of them.
Best line: literally all of it
Why????: If Voldemort had a love child with Bellatrix in Cursed Child I don’t know why we would even question this